I just can't believe that my best friend, my dad is gone forever.
I can't stand this feeling of knowing he won't do all those fatherly things I need him to do.

It was such a shock.
I miss him so much.

For the first time in awhile, I'm quite sad, sad enough to cry, which hasn't happened in a long time. Not since August.
I know what's causing it, mainly frustration for situations I can't really control. And I'm wistful, but being wistful for certain things is just silly and non productive.

Mainly, I'm feeling used and taken advantage of and ignored and forgotten. With the exception of a couple special people, I feel like I have to try too hard to be heard or appreciated and I'm sick of it.


There's a reason why this is the loneliest time of the year, and no, we shouldn't listen to Brand New at this time of year. But do I listen? To Brand New, yes. Too much.

Right now, I'm trying to write the speech for my Nana's memorial. I keep getting distracted and I can't remember what I want to say. It's in the format of letters that I would have written if I had written them back then. I'm trying to include memories, and I just can't remember all of them. All the special times seemed to have happened when I knew the end was near (but obviously not as near as we thought.) We always thought we had more time. My mom and I unearthed a ridiculous amount of old photos, and we don't even know who most of the people are. My entire Titus family history is sitting in a box in our living room. Isn't that crazy? I don't even know what to think.

The day after tomorrow is the memorial. We've gone through so much hell for the last month, I can't actually imagine what it's gonna be like. It's so awkward. And the one person I want to be there, I can't get a hold of her. I miss Sammo so much, it hurts.

I'm just really waiting for the day when someone asks, "How did it all go?" And I can tell them every single little thing that went awry when we thought it was gonna work out. Can you imagine a full summer full of "This is going to work out! I can't believe it's finally going to be okay!" followed immediately with, "I can't believe we're back here again." It's the hardest feeling in the world.

Oh, and I'm lactose intolerant. What is my life?

I am not your friend.
I'm just a [wo]man who knows how to feel.